Monday, April 26, 2010

Holding Everything Together

Most people who know me well, know I've struggled with anxiety. After having our daughter I went through quite a long bout of anxiety, panic attacks and post-partum depression. As a result, I made substantial changes to my lifestyle to alleviate the stresses that bring on more anxiety.

Since moving to California, I've felt so rested, relaxed, and peaceful. That is until a couple weeks ago.

Due to the culmination of varying circumstances the monster of anxiety was awakened. I really do hate it! Breathing deeply got me through many a day. The fight or flight response was leaving me shaky and I could just feel my adrenals getting an unnecessary workout.

The last week I've begun to feel more settled. Routine was returning and I was catching up on some of my responsibilities around the house.

{You may wonder what may cause a girlie to become overwhelmed. For me, I'm a routine girl. I like getting up in the morning, having a cup of coffee, reading 10 pages of a book, checking my email/facebook/ebay, getting ready for the day, schooling the kids, working out, cooking, and cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, enjoying a little tv or reading, a bowl of fruit and a cup of tea and the day is good. Then in the pockets of the day add kid activities, friends, church and I'm pretty good. But when that routine gets whacked and I fall behind...stress starts in at me.}

This is what happened...I began to lose the control of the routine. My housework got behind. I wasn't working out. I wasn't eating in a disciplined way. The kids weren't getting schooled. The rope began to unravel...

Add some financial stress of houses that will be losing their tenants. (The same houses have virtually lost about 25% of their value so we can't sell them). I'm the one hanging on the rope, as it unravels...I'm watching each fiber pull away and break and there's nothing I can do to pull it back together.

I know I have control issues, and God has allowed life circumstances so that I'd deal with this, but obviously I like having some sort of control.

Then this past weekend, we learn the teaching pastor we LOVE at our church that has be such a blessing to us here in California will be leaving in June.

I sat in church yesterday listening to our lead pastor and teaching pastor explain how God is leading our teaching pastor to "something else." What? I imagine he has an idea, but didn't let on to anyone. So...I sat in church yesterday, arms folded, trying to "hold" it together wondering what God has in store. This teaching pastor has been a God send. My sweetheart and I have grown so much and learned so much about God under his teaching. I know God will bring forth someone else, but we REALLY like THIS GUY!!

So all this leads to a song we ended up singing yesterday. I REALLY don't understand God's ways much of the time. I just try to have the faith that His ways are best. And I KNOW He WILL hold EVERYTHING together.

Christ, be the center of our lives
Be the place we fix our eyes
Be the center of our lives

You hold EVERYTHING together
You hold EVERYTHING together

So I'm counting on God holding it together...I'm not so good at that and need to depend on someone more Dependable and Trustworthy!


cherimarie2 said...

Seriously I hear you! Let go and Let God is something I try to do. When trials come we must have joy because God disciplines those he loves and He must be getting you ready to step into a place of much more responsibility/authority for his kingdom! It's all gotta go anyways right?

Cristinejoy said...

We sang that song this wknd & I've been singing it constantly as I face the "unknowns" of parenting/homeschooling/life...